There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
