so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
