It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
