Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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