is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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