Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
