And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
