I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
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