I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
