So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I did not marry a roomba.
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