Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
