Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets