I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
