Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
