im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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