made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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