My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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