Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
