He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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