he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
