Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I've blown a few things in my day
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
