UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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