if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
