You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
