I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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