So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
