She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
