just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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