I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
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