we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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