I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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