Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
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I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
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Boobs are out for the taking
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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