I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
