Don't make out with my wife yet
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
