found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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