Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
