A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
did i walk over a car last night?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
