just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
