dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
