I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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