youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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