She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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