Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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