im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I am naked and annoyed.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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