i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Lo siento on account of my penis...
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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