my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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