Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
