Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
