and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
