On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I'm having to shit out rocks
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
