I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
