its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
