Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
