dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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