On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
