Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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