Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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